TKintro

COURTESY MET STORE

If you ever go back to reading real books, you will want the most phallic bookmarks possible. The more phallic the bookmark, the better it is at telling you where you are in your book. Everybody knows it.

COURTESY THE MET STORE

If you’re a dad, you can wear this to pick up your kid from any one of Park Slope’s excellent preschools. It’s just a good shirt for that.

COURTESY THE MET STORE

These are so realistic that someone will swat your ear at a holiday party, and that will be a great conversation starter, because otherwise you’re going to drink too much red wine all by yourself in a corner and sulk again just like last year, aren’t you?

COURTESY THE MET STORE

When you’re wearing chain mail, men will be less inclined to sexually harass you.

COURTESY THE MET STORE

Inevitably, the Monet plush will be separated from the Monet book, and he will thenceforward be known around your house as “the weird old man.”

COURTESY THE MET STORE

Because hopefully your kids will find it and tell us all where it’s been for the past year.

COURTESY THE MET STORE

The thing about these is that they’re not scary. Especially not in the middle of the night when you are making your way down the hall to the bathroom and you look up and see them staring at you with their vacant eyes and screaming mouths.

MOMA DESIGN STORE

Deep within Warhol’s diaries is a note to himself to the effect that the Brillo Box would make a terrific scented candle. MoMA got the memo. When will you?

WHITNEY MUSEUM SHOP

A perfect gift for the friend or family member who plans on attending a Trump rally.

WHITNEY MUSEUM SHOP

I’m going to let the museum shop sell these to you because I can’t improve on this, other than to say that “Inspired” will be popular with 11-year-olds wishing to address their dads with sarcasm (e.g. “That’s inspired, Dad.”): “These six sticky notes allow you to be a critic from the comfort of your own home! Perfect for coffee table book commentary, leaving cheeky notes, and calling a spade a spade.”

WHITNEY MUSEUM SHOP

Why? Why?!??!!??!?

WHITNEY MUSEUM SHOP

Because you paid the $25 admission before it started raining and you will not be ripped off. You will not be stopped. You will see the outdoor sculptures.

COURTESY GAGOSIAN

Sneakers designed by architect Jean Nouvel in quality calf leather with a silver finish and inscribed with the word “Gagosian” alongside an edition number. Need I say more? (Actually, my colleague Andrew Russeth did say a little bit more and I’m going to quote him here: “They’re very Kanye meets Kassay meets Stingel on the moon.”) Often when an artist goes to Gagosian, their prices rise. Same with sneakers; these are $650.

COURTESY GAGOSIAN

Three words: Start them young.